Rebecca West: Words & Music

an autobiography by Rebecca Lynn West

Chapter 6

Alone, Rejected, Heartbroken

I was in torment for the last nine months of our marriage. My blood pressure went sky high. I had asthma attacks. And then had to have gall bladder surgery. Gary was not around to see any of this.

I was all alone, rejected, and heartbroken. I prayed so hard for God to bring my husband back to me. I finally reached the point of total exhaustion from it all.

For 30 years of marriage, I had no reason not to trust Gary. He was a faithful, loving husband. He was a man of great integrity, admired and respected by everyone who knew him. Maybe this is why I was so confused by his actions. It was so unbelievable and so unlike him. I came to realize just how powerful Satan's attacks can be and how a person can be deceived by manipulating people.

I did not get angry at Gary! Even while I was being treated so badly by him, I walked in forgiveness toward him. The Holy Spirit enabled me to walk in His love and forgiveness through it all. I am not condoning the actions of Gary by any means, but the combination of prescription drugs and evil manipulating people can overtake someone who is in an exhausted state. I knew that God was the only one who could rescue him. But God will not override our will and Gary had his mind made up. I had done all that I could do to hold him, but even then I did not want him to stay with me if I had to beg him to do so.

I reminded Gary of our 30 years together and how dedicated we had been to each other all of those years. He did not hear me and he did not care. He had given up on life and himself and he did not want to try any longer.

One thing that I specifically remember: I thought about the faces of women who had been through a divorce and how they looked. Their faces portrayed bitterness and hate. I am convinced that the Holy Spirit brought this to my mind. Their anger toward their ex-husbands had turned them into mean, ugly women! So right away I told God that I did not want to become like them! I refused bitterness and resentment in my life. Even when I was betrayed, falsely accused, and lied to. I chose to let God fight my battle. It was a spiritual battle and demonic powers were involved. It was beyond my control and at the same time I refused to be humiliated by evil people.

A few months later, the Holy Spirit spoke to me in an audible voice and said, "This battle is no longer yours. I am the Chief Warrior." I share more about this later in my story.

God gave me tremendous strength during this horrendous battle. His protection surrounded me like a warm blanket. And I felt safe in His arms. Our heavenly Father holds us even closer when we are hurting.

One of the many lessons I learned from this was to not judge the women of divorce! I am not a judgmental person, but I previously wondered what was wrong with women that couldn't keep their husbands! I thought they must be unlovable and cold. Not true! I found this out first hand! Now I have great love and compassion for women of divorce, since I have experienced it. In fact, I wrote a book just for them which I will tell about in another chapter.

Gary demanded that I move out of our home. It should have been the other way around! He told me that if I did not get my things out that he would set them on the street! I could not believe how angry he was!

By this time my cocker spaniel puppy and I were staying at my sister's house. She and her husband drove me the 150 miles to get my things before they were destroyed. As we were driving there, God gave me the scripture in Isaiah, "Behold I am doing a new thing. Do you not perceive it?"

I read this to my sister and her husband. I am sure they thought that I did not realize what I was saying. I really didn't, but God did. God was giving me strength because I had none of my own.

When we arrived at my house there was no one there. We went inside and I tried to decide what to take. I tried to pack, but I couldn't think straight. I had "zoned out" as they say and did not want to face the fact that I was actually doing this. There was one closet in our office that I refused to even look inside. Barbara kept asking me when I was going to clean out that closet. I just sat there and did not say anything. In the back of my mind I knew there were too many memories packed away in that particular closet, and it was too painful to look at. Barbara finally did it for me. Thank God for my sister! I don't know what I would have done without her.

Barbara told me later that as we left the house she looked at my face and it was the saddest look she had ever seen in her life. She cried. I was crying inside. Everything that I ever loved and held dear was stolen from me.

My world came crashing down on me. I hit rock bottom. I couldn't talk all the way back to Illinois. I remember that we stopped at a Steak and Shake to eat. Barbara and Fred made "small talk" to try to ease my mind. They were my heroes. They were there for me when I needed them the most.

Back at their house it gets worse. My battle had only begun...

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