Rebecca West: Words & Music

an autobiography by Rebecca Lynn West

Chapter 7

I Ran To God

It was difficult to breathe. It seemed that my very life had been taken from me.

I moved into my sister's house. She had a beautiful ground level apartment in her home. I tried to decorate it to make it feel like home. That first year I stayed outside most of the day, trying to breathe and stay alive. Every day was a struggle for me. There was such a void in my heart that needed to be filled. I knew that God was with me, but I had not reached the point where I could relax. My grief was so deep it consumed me completely.

If I had been in a bad marriage it would not have been so difficult for me, but I had a wonderful marriage and that's what made it so hard to understand and accept.

One Sunday morning I stayed at home while Barbara and Fred went to church. That particular morning I felt so discouraged and Satan "took over". I started crying and could not stop. I barely remember calling Barbara at the church and asking her to pray for me. She heard the desperation and pain in my voice and came home immediately.

Three days later Barbara told me that she had prayed in tongues over me for three days and three nights. She was in spiritual warfare for my life! Thank God for my sister, who knew how to pray and stayed until her prayer was answered. I weep as I write this now to think that someone loved me enough to do this. I have found a treasure in my sister. This kind of love is priceless and rare.

It is incomprehensible what Satan can do to your mind, especially if you are in a weakened state as I was. Grief can take you into a black hole of hopelessness and that's exactly where I was.

I kept going to church with my sister Barbara and her husband Fred. Everyone was a great encouragement to me at church. All of my friends surrounded me with love. I still felt so empty, but I was so blessed by my friends.

I will never forget the words of encouragement from Sandy Pippin. She would always look me right in the eyes and tell me that God had something better for me. I felt her love and compassion. Barbara, my sister, was my life-saver. She was always there for me anytime day or night to wipe away my tears and to encourage me.

I kept running to God every moment of the day and night for peace and comfort. He was there every time. Each time I ran to Him, I could feel His loving arms around me, and I felt a sense of relief and peace.

Through my pain, I started praying for women of divorce. As I was praying for them, listening to them, and wiping away their tears, God was healing me.

I started writing a small book entitled "Soaring On Angels Wings." Barbara kept telling me that one day I would "soar" and I believed her. This book was for women who needed encouragement and compassion and solutions! I was "big time" into solutions to the problems, and not dwelling on the problems and pain. I needed solutions myself! I wanted them to know how valuable they were to God and that their lives were not over.

I gave hundreds of these little books away! The response was phenomenal! I had prayed that this book would bless these women who had been through enough heartache to last a lifetime, and they were blessed! I did not realize that so many women needed help with this particular issue! I began to feel that God was using me for His Glory and it was encouraging to me. These women trusted me in telling them the truth. They believed what I wrote because I had "been there." It's easier to believe someone who has actually walked in your shoes.

During this time when I was still living at my sister's house, I recorded two music CDs! God was showing me that He was all I needed to succeed! He was showing me that I could accomplish anything I wanted with His help.

I was invited to sing at women's retreats and at several churches in the area, which I did on my own for the first time in my music career. A pastor friend of mine, Marla Stuart, invited me to come to Florida where she lived. She scheduled several singing engagements for me at different churches in the Tampa, Florida area over a period of a couple of months.

It was a wonderful experience! I loved Florida and the new environment was good for me. Marla was the perfect hostest! She made me laugh for the first time in a long time.

When I got back to Illinois to my sister's house, they were producing a television program in which I became the co-host! I loved it! It seemed so natural to me to talk to a television camera! Fred (my brother-in-law) and I loved it. We lived for it! I was also the guest coordinator for the show, and each week we had an interesting new guest.

My search to find where I really belonged was ongoing. I still felt lost. I was not where God wanted me -- yet! But my heart was slowly being healed.

Would I ever be whole again? When would my heart stop hurting? Will I ever be loved again? Will I ever be able to trust someone enough to love again?

God had all of the answers to my questions. And He was teaching me many things in this process.

It was a long and winding road... and I felt so alone. Searching... searching...

I remembered when I was so full of life and laughter.

It seemed so far away...

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